Empty Nest Syndrome

My children are my heartbeat. They are the jewels in my crown. They are the most common cause of the smile on my face. And I will be so glad when they finally move out and start their own households that I will do handsprings and the boogie-woogie down the substantial length of my driveway. I've already been doing the mom-thing for 34 years and, by my calculations, still have at least 6 or 7 to go before my husband and I enter what we call our Project Completion Phase. I really believe that Empty Nest Syndrome is a canard, dreamed up and promoted by some young adult that found out independence isn't all it's cracked up to be and wanted to move back home. If I’m wrong about that, then I'm convinced that I can offer a first class cure. As long as I have visitation rights, I will lease my kids to those who suffer from the malady.

When I first came up with this plan, I really didn't know how to market them. . .youngest to oldest; most driven to most laid back; most careful to most destructive. I mean the ways to arrange the arrays are almost endless. But I think I have it figured out so let me outline my newest plan and you can tell me what you think.

My firstborn is the recommended treatment for those with the mildest form of the syndrome. He’s all grown up and he's a GOOD man. He comes equipped with his own family and a house of his own – which needs to be placed within a two mile radius of the empty nest in order to achieve the maximum effect. His active ingredients include frequent drop ins on his way home from work; usually coinciding with our dinner time on nights his wife is serving leftovers, tool borrowing that most often results in parental retrieval; and fairly infrequent requests to babysit his 5 children – preferably in your nest and not his.

His baby sister is for more advanced cases of Empty Nest. She likes popcorn and pickles and requires constant access to both food groups. She will also eat chicken in any form except baked or boiled, fried potatoes, Popsicles, and pizza rolls but whines or refuses food altogether if you attempt to feed her any vegetables other than broccoli or any recipe containing even trace amounts of onions or tomatoes. She has a naturally sunny disposition but when she’s tired or stressed does develop her own drama queen version of Jekyll and Hyde. If you leave the room for more than 5 minutes, you never know who you’ll find when you return. She is currently away at college but refuses to stay gone for more than 11 days at a time since that’s as many days of clothes as she has and she can’t fit more than 11 days worth of groceries from the main nest pantry into the back of her car – which, BTW, is a lot nicer than the one I drive. When she is home, she uses the family room as command central and requires sole custody of the universal remote and any horizontal surfaces within reach of her throne for her books, her laptop, her cell phone and the dishes that never make their way back to the kitchen. The sandblaster needed for cleaning her assigned room and bathroom is not included in the base rental.

The most complex cases of Empty Nest Syndrome need a good dose of my middle child. He is a highly talented rock/blues guitarist that cannot be shipped express because of the equipment he needs to sustain life. Included in the base price, this unit comes with: 2 electric guitars, 3 amplifiers of varying sizes, various distortion pedals, 2 electronic keyboards and a bench, 2 computers that record and/or synthesize noises that sound like the screams of the Un-Dead, a TV, and a sound system with speakers large enough to enable him to share whatever he’s currently listening to with your closest neighbors – even if they live ½ mile away. At the end of the lease, you are required to keep this equipment. He pleads constantly for a set of drums and we have not yet located the mute switch for that recording. He does not require a closet since he never hangs anything up. On his own, without urging, he does shower at least once daily; will cheerfully shave upon receipt of the 15th request and will grudgingly get his haircut almost immediately after you begin to withhold meals. He is not a picky eater. You may find a coal shovel a more efficient eating utensil for him than a fork. For the Empty Nester that would like to see the merchandise before signing the lease, we offer the following directions to his current location. Go south on Clueless, about 5 blocks past Irresponsible, and then take a hard right on Stupid. There is no maximum time limit on his lease –it’s not like he needs to be anywhere. Since he found ping-pong in the Student Center vastly superior to his Algebra and Engineering classes as a worthy use of his time, he is no longer in school and is also currently unemployed although he is up by the crack of noon everyday to continue looking. You will need to exercise great caution when dealing with this unit or he will use every dirty trick in the book to negate his effectiveness as a remedy. He comes armed with GREAT smile, a genuine concern for the people around him, and warm and ready hug for anybody that looks like they need one.

Getting to Know Me

I've written the infrequent blog for My Place on Scrapbook.Com so some of you may already know me and, to those that do, I apologize for any repetitions. For those that don't yet know me, I offer the following random facts about myself:

1. 1. I have learned that things are seldom what they seem to be. I met my husband when he responded to a remark I made in the Letters to the Editor of William William F. Buckley’s National Review. We corresponded for a while then he drove 300 miles to take me out for the first time on New Year’s Eve. We got married 3 months later. Then I found out that he is a registered Democrat.
   
   
2. 2. Our wedding anniversary is April 1st. Really. Other couples get Valentine’s Day or Christmas time or Summer Solstice. We got April Fool’s Day. 21 years today! :)
   
   
3. 3. I’ve never cared for Rock. When all the other kids in my generation were listening to The Stones, The Beatles, Steppenwolf, Cream, and Strawberry Alarm Clock, I was listening to Johnny Mathis and Andy Williams. My poor parents thought something was terribly wrong with me.
   
   
4. 4. I hate most poetry. I just don’t get most of it. Poems are supposed to rhyme. If someone has something to say, why can’t they just say it without burying it in senseless metaphors that don’t rhyme?
   
   
5. 5. I’m not gifted with foreign languages. Because my father was in the Air Force and we went to Europe when I was in Jr. High, I wound up taking 3 Years of high school level French, 2 years of high school level German, and 2 years of high school level Spanish by the time I graduated from high school. I can’t count to 10 in anything but English. Well, I can, but it takes all three of those other languages to get the job done.
   
   
6. 6. I'm very loyal. Like a dog. Say something nice to me or feed me and I'm your friend for life.
   
   
7. 7. That doesn't mean I'm needy. I'm very emotionally independent. Like a cat, except not QUITE as condescending as a cat (see #6). People are cool and can be fun but really, I'm my own best friend. I can always occupy myself and never get bored.
   
   
8. 8. Since my dad was in the Air Force, we moved a lot when I was a kid. I went to 3 different schools the year I was in 3rd grade (that was a personal best record that remained unbroken). The net effect of that kind of childhood is emotional independence. (See #7.)
   
   
9. 9. In my view, I had a very happy childhood. I loved moving and going to new places and growing up on a SAC Air Force base during the Cold War years was a VERY safe environment. At each new place I got to re-invent myself and start with a clean slate. There were several times that I needed that clean slate.
   
   
10. 10. I collect Lucy Van Pelt (from Peanuts) stuff. She's my role model. She's never at a loss for words, even those that would be much better left unsaid. (See #9).
    
    
11. 11. The two kids that are still at home were born in this house. Literally. Delivered in my bedroom by a lay (but licensed) midwife. The births were not medicated. Even my oldest, who was delivered in a hospital, was delivered sans medication. I should get a trophy. The midwife says I am a strong contender for who can yell the loudest.
    
    
12. 12. Buy stock in Kleenex. I'm a weeper. Sad movies. Happy movies. Any movie with a puppy. Pretty music. Well written words. Poorly written words. Learning I'm married to a Democrat. Half the news on FOX (the stories that concern the horrible things humans do to each other and to animals). Good news. Saying hello to someone I love that I haven't seen in a long time. Saying goodbye to someone I love that I won't see for a long time. When I get mad. The electricity bill. Anyone of those things (and dozens more) are enough to start the waterworks.
    

For tonight, that's enough. I have my work cut out for me over the next week or so just learning the basics and getting the lay of the land.

So, thanks for dropping in and TTFN!